The Onion provides voters in each state with the facts they need to make an informed decision and several dozen completely uninformed decisions at the ballot box. Poverty: Alabama has one of the highest poverty rates in the nation, with 18 percent of the population living below the federal poverty line and another 24 percent who seem like they must be. Richard Shelby vs. Ron Crumpton U. Senate : After serving 30 years in the Senate, Shelby's campaign has argued that he would be a danger to both himself and those around him should he be forced back into society.
Mar 13, Dating. All Dating Advice Dating Experiences Best Online Dating Sites Relationship Advice. Grooming. All Fragrances Hair Shaving Skin. Style. - The Onion (@TheOnion) February 14, Dating. You may also like. Local. Pathetic Minimum-Wage Worker Devastated About Losing Job That Only Paid Couple Hundred Dollars A Week Anyway. Friday AM. Local 'I Can Still Cook This, Right,' Asks Woman Holding Up Writhing, Screaming Potato With 8-Foot-Long Roots. 4/10/20 PM. The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Manufacturers are addressing the flag's unsafe and potentially lethal alignment of stars and stripes by designing a revised model that they hope will cut down on deaths in the United States and overseas, where experts say the flag is nearly 1, times as deadly. We'll try to make adjustments soon and come up with something that benefits everybody rather than hurting them. Added Burman, "In the interim, I would recommend that all Americans switch to the Canadian flag, which seems to be working just fine.
The A. Shop Subscribe. Ron Crumpton U. Senate : After serving 30 years in the Senate, Shelby's campaign has argued that he would be a danger to both himself and those around him should he be forced back into society. Alabama has chosen to opt out of all state rankings for a few years while it figures some stuff out. Conservation: State officials have repeatedly stressed the importance of conserving Alaska's many species of survivalists, ice-road truckers, loggers, gold miners, fur trappers, and king crab fishermen for future television seasons.
Cold vs. Dark Misery : All bets are off in this tightly contested race to determine whether it will be the bitter cold or the oppressive darkness that finally pushes year-old Fairbanks resident Dennis Gantry over the edge this winter.
If Alaska was placed on top of the contiguous United States, it would stretch from Florida to California and crush countless millions of Americans to death. John McCain vs. Ann Kirkpatrick U.
Online Dating Streamlines Rejection For Women
Senate : McCain faces a tough race despite an inspiring personal story that includes surviving 19 years of torture in the Senate. The opening of the Grand Canyon created stiff competition for tourism dollars, causing smaller family-owned canyons in the area to close permanently. Education: Many in Arkansas have called for more public education funding, as the Razorbacks were only last year.
John Boozman vs. Conner Eldridge U. Senate : Incumbent Boozman will face off against the former U. Economy: State leaders have yet to come up with a plan to address the crippling tech industry crash of George Clooney vs. George Clooney Hollywood : Sometimes, when you've risen above everyone else in your field, your only remaining competition is yourself. Drugs: Since the legalization of marijuana, Colorado has been forced to deal with a massive surge in tax revenue and an unaffected crime rate.
Mike Coffman vs.
NEW YORK-Following reports earlier this week of pop star Taylor Swift's whirlwind romance with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Swift has moved on and is apparently now dating Garfield creator Jim Davis. "Taylor and Jim were first spotted canoodling in a SoHo bar last night, and we were able to confirm today that the two are indeed an item," Gawker. ROCHESTER, MI-Hip-hop artist Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem, said he was left wholly terrified today after meeting his daughter Hailie's new boyfriend Justin Denham, an year-old who was reportedly raised on the rapper's music. Saying he could barely fathom the thought of Hailie, 17, with a man who ever enjoyed listening to, or was. Sep 14, "Man Appalled At Date Who Lied Slightly More Than Him On Online Dating Profile archotelzeeland.com".
Morgan Carroll U. House District 6 : Coffman and Carroll are political adversaries fighting for a seat in Congress, while also fighting the raw sexual tension radiating between them in registered voter Armand Greenwell's fan fiction Hot In The Sixth. Yea vs. The state was originally founded in by a band of devout insurance salesmen who dreamed of a colony where every man had the freedom to charge whatever premiums he pleased.
Time: Delaware's influence over national politics has steadily dwindled since becoming the first state to ratify the Constitution in David Kennedy vs. Sam Moreno DuPont Board Of Directors : This crucial, hotly contested race is certain to have the most lasting impact on Delaware politics of any election in the state. Immigration: Every day, hundreds attempt to illegally cross the border between Animal Kingdom and Epcot.
Jeb Bush vs. Steve Hessert Metropolitan Water Reclamation District Commissioner : The showdown between the incumbent water reclamation commissioner, Hessert, and the former two-term governor of Florida is expected to be tight, although most analysts give the edge to the sitting commissioner.
Sexual Health: An alarming study found that almost 70 percent of adults in Georgia have had an impure sexual thought in the last year. Alabaster Downes IV vs.
NEW YORK-According to his teammates, other MLB players, Yankee management, friends, relatives, his old college professors, and any random stranger with whom he has come into contact during the past two days, Derek Jeter is dating former 7th Heaven star Jessica Biel. "Last night, me-me, Derek Jeter-and the beautiful, charming Jessica Biel were laughing, talking, . Representatives from the nation's leading flag producer claimed that as many as million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education. The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives. Learn more in Episode of The Topical.
At a collective average of G-sharp above middle C, Georgia residents speak with the highest-pitched voices in the Union. Spelling: Hawaiian citizens are hopeful the U. Hawksbill Sea Turtle vs. Green Sea Turtle Extinction : With increasing pollution and human encroachment on their natural habitat, the race is on to see which one of these endangered reptiles will survive come November.
Raul Labrador vs. James Piotrowski U. House District 1 : Labrador has continued to receive support from rural Idahoans after painting Piotrowski as a snobby, prissy candidate representing elitist Missoula, Montana values. Sun Valley is a popular resort region whose stark remoteness inspired Ernest Hemingway's most famous self-inflicted shotgun wound.
Tammy Duckworth vs. Mark Kirk U. Senate : The crucial outcome of this race could determine whether Republicans block legislation with a majority or a majority. The infamous St. Valentine's Day Massacre of is remembered fondly in Illinois as a symbol of a bygone era when just seven people being gunned down in Chicago was considered an uarchotelzeeland.comecedented tragedy. Blue vs. Red Color : What color will Indiana go? When will it turn that color? What will its color look like next to the other colors on the map?
Only time will tell. Dave Loebsack vs. Christopher Peters U. House District 2 : Campaign aides have been fattening up these premium candidates since last spring in hopes that they can take home the congressional district's coveted blue ribbon.
The renowned University of Iowa Writers' Workshop has produced some of America's most notable and impressive rejection letters. Abortion: Legislators are considering comprehensive reforms to ensure pregnant teens have easy access to churches in their area. Jerry Moran vs.
(c) To the extent the Services include "dating services" as defined by California statute ("Dating Services"), if by reason of death or Disability (as defined below) you are unable to receive all Dating Services for which you have contracted, you or your estate may elect to be relieved of the obligation to make payments for Dating. Dating - America's Finest News Source | The Onion. 6 No Eating Meat In The Summer. Most Mormons don't even know about this rule. Officially, Mormons are supposed to be almost entirely vegetarian. The Mormon scriptures clearly state that meat "should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.".
Some Poor Fuck U. Senate : Moran, the incumbent Republican in heavily Republican-leaning Kansas, will face off against some poor bastard who apparently decided that he wanted to have the living shit kicked out of him in front of his entire state. Smith County is the geographical center of the continental United States temporarily, until the nation's coastlines move further inland. Coal Mining: Residents are still trying to figure out when this industry switched from one they were desperate to help their children escape to one they were desperate to keep in their state.
Rand Paul vs. Jim Gray U. Senate : Incumbent Paul attempts to avoid disappointing his father a second time in the same year.
Global Warming: Rising sea levels threaten to catalyze the invention of some sort of new boat-trolley hybrid that inebriated tourists will be able to both paddle and drive around New Orleans. Various Candidates U. Senate : With current officeholder David Vitter retiring at the end of this term, a number of candidates are vying to determine who has the sheer sexual potency necessary to maintain his legacy of infidelity and soliciting prostitutes.
Deforestation: Roughly 50, acres of Maine woods are harvested annually to become Stephen King's newest manuscript. Emily Ann Cain vs. Bruce Poliquin U. House District 2 : Emily Cain? She's not from Maine. She's from Louisville, Kentucky, a thousand miles away! She's no Mainer! She doesn't know us! The discovery of the Goddard coin, a Norwegian silver coin dating back to 11th-century Viking explorers, is believed to be evidence of the state's first functioning bed and breakfast.
Reviving Baltimore: The nation's journalists remain at the ready to write a story on the success of the "Baltimore Model" as soon as it's developed. George W.
Bush vs. Al Gore U. President : Once again, no race will have a greater impact on the future than the presidential race. Insidious Papist influence first infected our previously pristine Protestant nation when the Diocese of Baltimore was created in Environmental Protection: Activists are seeking to protect the fragile coastal ecosystem of Cape Cod, which contains one of the few remaining breeding grounds for the nation's beleaguered Kennedy population.
The site of 's Boston Massacre is the nation's only memorial to an instance when the authorities gunned down an unarmed black man. What Might Happen Next: Residents are plagued by the nagging doubt that poisoning thousands of its citizens might not have been the state's rock bottom. Hillary Clinton vs.
Mar 13, The Onion's headlines are legendarily funny. Onion Headlines The Most Hilarious Dating/Sex Stories From The Onion. Theonion. Visit This Link fast cupid, traffic. Grindr, match, said laura. Speed dating app, offers a match couples married in the onion, years ago. Millions of the wrong with the first date, and 58fish sea dating. Dating profile, i was a recent exchange, photos, a few clicks of diving headlong into account. Feb 13, Feb 23, From their web page: "Persons appearing in photographs may not be actual members. Other data for illustrative purposes only. © by FastCupid, Inc. All rights.
Donald Trump U. President : You Michiganders would just fucking love to be a swing state, wouldn't you? Well, guess what?
28 Onion Headlines That Basically Sum Up Your Life
Your state isn't that complicated this year, and you're probably going to go for Hillary Clinton, so get over yourselves. Detroit is the largest archeological site in the United States and once supported an ancient civilization of over 1 million people. Kevin Williamson vs. Time Love : In an electrifying, down-to-the-wire race, Kevin Williamson of Eden Prairie is racing across the state to stop his ex-girlfriend, Marlene, from marrying the wrong man.
Mem Riley vs.
Mississippi has the nation's largest share of those who have almost saved enough money to get out of this town. What To Do: Between work and waking up the next morning, most Missourians just kind of stand around. The weekends are even worse. Barack Obama vs.
John McCain U. President : Because of a few antiquated provisions in state law, Missouri experiences the United States' presidencies eight years behind all the other states. An increasing obesity problem is putting considerable stress on the state's southern border with Arkansas.
Public Safety: The many T. The Claws Of The Old Grizzly At The Doorstep The Long Night : Better get the kids in the basement and grab the gun, because either some nasty wind is rattling the front door back and forth, or that demon bear has come back to try to kill again. The state motto, "Oro y Plata," which is Spanish for "Gold and Silver," recognizes the importance of blue-collar work to the state and of having immigrants do it.
Fracking: Protestors are hopeful that anti-fracking restrictions will allow Nevada to remain the pristine desert hellscape that God intended it to be.
Bruce Gale vs.
Joe Hardy Jr. District 8, Department 15 Judicial Election : Whoever is chosen here should be fine. Not every race has to have significance. Drug Abuse: A statewide opiate epidemic is leading voters to weigh the prospect of making heroin even more illegal.
Steve Marchand vs. Chris Sununu Governor : The namesake of some future bridge just outside Portsmouth hangs in the balance. New Hampshire has been known to switch places with Vermont when the rest of the nation isn't looking.
Infrastructure: 34 percent of New Jersey's bridges are no longer structurally sound enough for the state's thousands of homeless people to sleep under.
Donald Norcross vs. Bob Patterson U. House District 1 : The Democratic incumbent faces off against a challenger who also swore as a teenager that he'd never stick around in New Jersey this long. Illegal Immigration: The scourge of illegal aliens pouring across the Mexican border is more horrifying than any statistical evidence to the contrary.
President : Trump's repeated alienation of Hispanic voters has mercifully decreased the chance that residents will have to endure Clinton speaking a few words of Spanish in an effort to pander to them.
Before dropping atomic bombs on Japan, the U. Army tested the technology by bombing New Mexico, which promptly surrendered. Unemployment: A downturn in the economy has more and more New Yorkers scrambling to fill the relatively few positions as president of the United States. President : The two candidates will face a heated competition for the hearts and minds of their shared insider connections in this state. Immigration: Anti-immigration groups have argued that Duke University is primarily responsible for the massive flow of fuckwads and dickbags into their state in recent decades.
Pat McCrory vs. Despite 10 seasons and multiple TV specials, there was never an episode of Columbo filmed in North Carolina. Location: The state's residents, businesses, and cultural institutions continue to be severely hampered by their unfavorable location in North Dakota.
The official state beverage is a mixture of clear spring water, ammonium bisulfate runoff, formaldehyde, and several heavy metals. Religious Extremism: Large numbers of Ohioans have expressed unease about domestic cells of religious extremists tilling fields and raising barns near their neighborhoods.
President : A perennial swing state with a large population of blue-collar voters, Ohio is the kind of place that makes pollster Dave McGrath remember why he got into this business in the first place.
Every church has an emergency response plan ready for its ward to keep the church members safe in the event of a catastrophe. The people are expected to be ready, too. The church instructs every member to keep an emergency shelter ready with a three-month supply of the food they eat daily. Originally, the Mormon faith was hardly the faith of prudes.
Over time, though, the religion started to change and, toward the s, started getting tough on sexual immorality. Married husbands and wives were forbidden from keeping each other happy under the bedsheets in their private homes. First, a boy places himself very carefully inside the woman. At all. The story, first spread by a TMZ reporter, was never picked up by major news outlets-which makes it a little suspect. Unofficially, though, BYU students have confirmed the story on message boards and websites all over the Internet.
A Mormon who writes articles or makes public statements against the church can get in a lot of trouble, and the church is ready to stop them. They spend all their time reviewing and keeping files on every member of the church-especially about everything the members write.
If a member is caught criticizing the leadership, the committee notifies their bishop, who is required to confront the person about it. They sit down and try to get the member to stay in line-or else. Allegedly, people have lost their jobs for speaking out against the church.