Remember Me? Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 Last Jump to page: Results 1 to 10 of Thread: Dating someone whose last, serious partner died. Thread Tools Show Printable Version. Dating someone whose last, serious partner died. So after 11 months of long distance, I moved to California for my boyfriend. We have now been together for almost 13 months and I am a foreigner struggling to get another sponsor Visa with a job.
Look for signs that he has emotionally moved on. Losing anyone important to you is devastating and takes time to get over. It may even take a lifetime to ever fully move on. Still, when a boyfriend is ready, he will remember her more fondly rather than always be saddened by her memory.
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You can help him deal with this loss by being patient and supportive during the rough times. Cut him extra slack when he's reminded of a special memory. Certain times of the year or places will bring back emotions for your boyfriend. Try to give him space during these times and don't judge him too harshly. Likely he will return to you after a period of time and appreciate you even more because of your patience.
Suggest you see a counselor together when you start to get serious. There will likely be issues too difficult for you to face on your own as you approach the idea of marriage and your partner is reminded even more of his loss. Brendan Dallow. I've read a few of these sites.
One thing comes to me I'm still numb inside, not sure that will ever change. Two years on. One day at a time.
It's all I have. I lost my Mom to cancer. I was just 30 and newly married and needed my Mom.
Helping Someone Grieving the Death of a Spouse: What NOT to do. Don't vanish: In the time leading up to the funeral or memorial service, there will likely be many people around to keep the bereaved company and lend a hand. After the service, people will return to their day-to-day lives. Widowed men are prone to jumping into new relationships too quickly, says widower Abel Keogh, in the first chapter of his book "Dating a Widower." Widowers may be seeking companionship, sex or a feeling of normalcy after the death of a spouse - and will . Jun 24, Dating someone whose last, serious partner died. So after 11 months of long distance, I moved to California for my boyfriend. We have now been together for almost 13 months and I am a foreigner struggling to get another sponsor Visa with a job.
I still miss her and that will always be because she is a part of me. Sharon Chesser. I totally agree. I feel privacy invasion to this question. I say I do not want to talk about it. I feel that it is insensitive at best to suggest your religious beliefs offer comfort.
Prabha Kumar. In fact I vacated my flat and went away far off I should see my tomorrow Initially I used to tell or share but in a couple of days they wanted me to come out of it and the dialogue was I have to accept the reality No way easy 25 years lived around him In fact two years but still I get a feel I am a sinner with his passing away I have no life I am fighting hard within myself and saying that now I have to live for myself, do what I wantexplore the beautiful world alone and ignore all the worldly talk Every fall in life has taught me a lesson I will surely swim across all alone Amy Long.
I find myself lost and not wanting someone to fix me, that's God's job but if God brings you to me then you need to care to listen to me share with you even if I am crying my eyes out I got close 3 times now but they are scared of my tears. Amy - One of the biggest problems faced by any griever are those that try to "fix" them.
There is certainly no way to fix the situation by turning back time before the loss ever happened, and there is no way to fix it and make the loss go away. In truth, grievers are not broken and don't need to be fixed. They need to be listened to without analysis, criticism or judgment! Being told to put a "cork in it" just keeps those feelings churning inside. What makes these groups different is that they do not "support you" in living with the emotional pain forever, but rather offer step by step assistance in dealing with that pain, and all of the "unfinished business" in your relationship.
It is the unfinished "stuff" to gets in the way of you enjoying your fond memories. This work is in no way designed to supplant the value of your faith. This programs deals with grief as an emotion, which is exactly what it is! These groups provide a safe place to shed your tears while offering actions that you can take to better move through your grief.
My thoughts are with you! No - I am not, and probably never will be. When asked "how are you doing? Not going to sugar coat my grief to make them feel better. The subject of death is a difficult one to be sure. Women who still have their husbands probably feel like I'm a pariah, and look at me - like "this will be me sooner or later" Yes - it will be - because one of you will go first, and because most women outlive men, they can count on the accuracy of the statistics.
Half of yourself has been cut away, the two hearts that were merged into 1 heart, is still expected to beat when it was severed in half again. No more hand clasp in bed before you fall asleep, no more sharing the laughter of the private jokes, and intimate times. Still being able to remember that mole on his back, or the tiny scar from cutting his finger while building me that table, his beautiful steel grey hair, his crooked smile, eye corners crinkling up while laughing, his look of a little kid when he made me a romantic card on the computer, just waiting to see my reaction Those tortoiseshell eyeglass frames he picked out - he just loved those glasses - only wore them for a few weeks.
Now they are in that plastic bag along with his wedding ring that the ICU nurse handed me while he was still hooked up to the machines.
All those vivid memories swirling around in my head, all his stuff still here - yet the hard truth keeps thudding on my heart that his beloved body is now ashes in a military cemetery. We will never be the same, nor could we ever be. When I lost my husband in Julyit took a while to get back to get back to normal activities, and over a month to go back to church. I just couldn't handle "people".
No - I guess it was more like seeing happy couples. I'm sure we all know "the looks" - the different expressions people wear as "the widow" approaches. It's very uncomfortable on so many levels. Anyway - one lady was all smiles, and she said "Oh - he's having a blast up there - hahahaha!!!
I couldn't believe it - but I guess it was easy for her to say that, with her husband standing beside her. And most of the group was all smiles as well. Almost like "Oh - nice to see you - where've ya been? I wanted to say - 'yeah but what me down here with my broken bloody roadkill heart? When I think of that - I just cringe - but - have to realize - they'd all be feeling a lot different, if it was their spouse "Having a ball up there", and they were still 'down here' Rachel Dee.
I beg you, please take that horrible question, "What happened? Widows and widowers will share on their own if we want to, and I NEVER want people prying into my personal life with my husband. If you don't know already, you are not close enough with me to EVER ask that question. I hate when people ask this, and instantly it makes me feel horrible, and upset. Graham Dibdin. Hi Ian, I'm in exactly the same scenario. My friend died a couple of weeks ago from cancer and the funeral was last Friday.
My friend was very popular, but I've been a close friend for almost 50 years since we were kids and neighbours. I really feel for his wife and teenage and older kids, and i want to support them at this time, but I know that it's essential that if I give support that it's the right kind of support at the right time. I'm happily married to a wonderful woman. If you've been provided any answers to your predicament, please pass them on to me.
When people ask me how my husband died, it makes me relive it over and over again and I don't like discussing it as it is personal. Otherwise, great article. Thank you :. Lynette - I really understand what you are talking about. When my father died, I had any number of people who said similar things to me. They were talking to my head, rather than addressing the pain in my heart. Most people never really learn how to help someone with that kind of pain.
It makes them uncomfortable, so they tend to make light of it instead of just sitting down with you and listening to the depth of the impact it has had on you. They mean well, but that really doesn't help. I found that the first few chapters of "The Grief Recovery Handbook" really addressed this and made a difference for me.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this! Rachel - The reason that we suggest asking this question, especially in those first few days after a loss, is based on a study that we conducted. Sometimes it is how they ask the question that can be the problem.
If they ask it in a caring and compassionate way, it is a very different question than if they ask it in a way that just seems nosey. The problem for those who wish to retell their story is that the vast majority of people never ask them, which is why we suggest this question.
I am very sorry that our suggestion of asking this upset you.
Please know we recommend asking this simply to encourage grievers to be able to be heard in want they wish to share, and for no other reason. Graham - I know you addressed your question to Ian, but as someone who has spent over 30 years working with grievers, I wanted to reach out and offer you some thoughts. During the first week or two after a death, a widow is generally surrounded by a lot of people offering support.
After that, those numbers dwindle quickly. Being there to support both her and the children as time continues to pass is where you can really make a difference.
Do not be afraid to share fond stories and memories with them about your friend. People often think that it is painful for the family to hear the name of their loved one mentioned, but it is actually far more painful when they think that their loved one has been forgotten!
Let them know that you are available to just listen, without analysis, criticism or judgment. All to often, when a griever wants to share a memory and it becomes emotional, people offer suggestions on why that person should not feel sad. No matter what is said, it does not "fix" the problem, but rather often just makes the griever stuff their feelings inside, rather than sharing them.
You might purchase a copy of "When Children Grieve," read it and then share it with your friend's widow. It might prove very helpful for her in helping the teenage children through this process. I hope these suggestions help. Rusty Theis. Rusty - My heart goes out to you! I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through.
Please check to see if there is a Grief Recovery Specialist in your area to help you in dealing with your emotional pain. Lynette, I am very sorry for your loss.
When they come across someone whose spouse has died they try to find a positive spin, fix them, or offer advice that doesn't work. Did you know that 85of things people say to the widowed are not helpful? Recovery from grief involves healing a broken heart, not a broken brain. The more often people attempt to fix widows and widowers with. Jul 12, After the Death of a Spouse, Is it Ever 'Too Soon' for Love? 28 When actor and comedian Patton Oswalt suddenly lost his wife, Michelle, in April , he went public with his grief. Dating a widower whose spouse has recently died could be a lot more complicated than dating someone who has put time and distance between the event and you. If the death is more recent, or if you sense there's little resolution even with the passage of time, be more cautious. Take into consideration the age of your new object of your affection.
While there is no way for me to know how you feel, i believe you are right about those who say they know how you feel. While they may be well meaning, I find them to be rude. I have always just said thanks, and found some reason to immediately walk away from them. I have also felt that people expected grief to end after certain periods of time.
At best it is annoying.
Helping a Spouse Who Has Shut Down From Grief : Psychology & Mental Health
My only thoughts to share are really just like relationships are very unique and different, so is grief. What helps me may not help you, and vise versa.
For me it's been over a year. That time period, just like my feelings are only relevant to me. And your time period and feelings are only known truly by you.
I would just like to offer encouragement. Encouragement for the next hour and next day, and then the next week. The future has not been written yet. I pray God guides me with his peace, and I pray the same for you.
I am sorry for the loss that was experienced by everyone who has posted to this site! It has been extremely difficult - but I am pushing through.
We had no children together- but our kids are all grown, he was retired and his illness was sudden and he was gone in a week. His family was very estranged and my family live across the county so I am alone with my grief. We were married 7 years together 8. What bothers me the most is our "friends". Death will bring out the worst and best of people. About four month's before my husband passed away, one of his closest of new friend's he met about three years ago in our new town gave him a riding tractor he was planning to junk because it didn't work.
My husband took itput a little money into it and re-built it.
Dating someone whose spouse died
We cancelled our landscaping services and used the tractor. It was about about three days YES 3 days after my husband died and his "friend" asked for the tractor back- adding he would buy it!
The subject came up because they were at the house shortly after he had passed and I mentioned I needed to have the landscaper cut our lawn before the funeral. I wasn't going to cut grass during this time. I was so disgusted and pissed by this offer to buy that he made that I told him to come and get it the following day- that my late husband wouldn't charge him for it back.
Another friend who is also a neighbor stopped by our house and as we walked around our property he commented about how he remembered how the previous deceased homeowner -who was one of the neighbors best friends -used to clean fish in our backyard's cleaning station when the previous owner owned the home. I told him "Well my late husband cleaned fish here! Then one of my closest and dearest friends doesn't realize I am aware she no longer speaks to me because I would not accompany her to a performance two days after my husband's funeral - at a hall that he and I always went to.
And lastly, a person who I called a friend took pictures of my husband's service without my permission and had the NERVE to text me the pics! I don't know if I am just hypersensitive or if these people are just insensitive?
Dec 15, Dating a Widower: 10 Things You Need to Know When Starting a Relationship. 1. Don't get offended. It may take a while for you to have a relationship that's as strong as their deceased partner, or you may never be put 2. Don't ask for too much information about their spouse Author: Ashley Papa. By Jennifer Hawkins. I was thirty-nine years old when my husband died unexpectedly in his sleep. It was the shock of a lifetime. He was my love, my rock, a crucial part of my life and our children's future, and in an instant, he was gone. A few weeks after his death, I received a letter from my insurance company.
And I have been made to feel so uncomfortable to talk about my husband that they all "adored" so much, that I make an effort not to even bring up his name in conversation.
This is hard because we did almost everything together - from grocery shopping to sharing house work. I miss him and love him and he lives through my memory. I am tired of hearing, oh you will get over it in time or you will move on. I really don't care to hear what I assume will eventually happen.
A Grief Support Blog
I just get to the point when people call I just say Oh! I am doing great or pretty good- when I feel like I am dying inside. Debbe Makowski. My husband was 50, never sick and his parents lived till nineties. He did not drink smoke or do drugs.
In January he thought he was having an appendix attack turned out to be pancreatic cancer. Died nine months later. In short, the loss of a spouse presents a host of issues that must be dealt with. As with any other death, it is important that you be patient, compassionate, and understanding when helping someone grieve the death of a spouse.
For older spouses who have been together for a very long time, the opportunities for social interaction may be limited. This can lead to isolation and depression.
Regardless of age or the tenure of the relationship, each person grieves differently and on their own timetable. Your role is to offer support, lend an understanding ear, and be patient. You can help the bereaved fill their time, take over chores, or just be there to hear a story about their spouse one more time. Learn the Five Stages of Grief. Losing a life partner is one of the biggest losses one can experience.
Your support and understanding will go a long way to helping them through the grieving process. There are many networks for widows and widowers listed online.
Support groups and professional counselors are widely available in nearly all communities.
Sign up to receive the entire free series of Word to the Wise Guides. Meet the Wise Guys. Toggle navigation Menu. After the service, people will return to their day-to-day lives.